bear with me on this one..

A few weeks ago, I was remembering a conversation I had with my mom in December of 1997..

At this point in our lives, Chelsea was almost 7 years old, and after years of hoping/wishing/trying/crying for a baby, I was finally coming to terms that it wasn't going to happen for us..

In fact, I was listing the advantages of having only one child [2 I will highlight]

At least I had ONE!! so many would never have that, and I didn't want to EVER seem ungrateful for that.. 

And.. we were past the point of having to baby switch at Disneyland/World..

 

On our last family trip (in October) to Disneyland, I 

commented to Davy that it had taken us 11 years to 

get back to that point..

Because the following September (of '98) we had 

Savannah, followed 3 years later by Adeline..

As I was planning our little girls' surprise trip to 

Disneyland this March, I couldn't help but think 

of the irony of these thoughts.. Because I had 

recently found out I was pregnant again..

SHOCK.. 

I know..

Those of you who know us well, know we've never had an easy time getting pregnant, and learned long ago that 

our family planning wasn't up to us, it was up to 

Heavenly Father..

You also may know that I've had 3 previous miscarriages.One right before getting pregnant with Adi, at 10 weeks; one when Adi was about 1 1/2 also at 10 weeks; and one 

in September of 2007 at 19 weeks..

Because of our recent poor track record, the only people who have known until now are me, Davy and Chelsea..

This is not easy:

I get very sick (especially now) very nauseous, lots of 

vomit, and my new added bit of fun; ice-pick stabbing 

into my brain headaches..

I'm very much a get out and do something kind of person, and I've spent the last 7 weeks in bed.. literally.. I have 

fallen off the face of the earth.. 

We chose not to tell the little girls yet, losing that last 

one was very hard on them.. (but they have confided in 

Davy that they're worried I have swine flu)

I am not getting any younger.. I know if I were a 

celebrity, I'm that prime age to have a baby.. but I live in Springville, Utah and have an 18 year old daughter, it 

makes me feel old to be doing this..

So yesterday, May 5th, I had my 12 week appointment.. My OB and his nurse (both of whom I 

adore) were quick to tell me that he had delivered a 

woman last Friday who was 48.. Which 

made me feel like a spring chicken,.. really..

Since I am technically 11 weeks and 3 days, he said we 

should be able to hear a heartbeat, but its early, and 

when we couldn't we weren't worried.. But given my 

track record, he decided to send me to Jay, the fabulous 

ultrasound guy, just to make sure..

So I rushed off to Spanish Fork, drinking a Gatorade as 

fast as I could, so I'd have something in my bladder..

I have had many ultrasounds in my life, this being my 

(gulp!) 7th pregnancy..

I knew the second we could see the baby.. 

There was no little flutter in its body that shows a 

heartbeat..

That strange part of me had 2 distinct reactions:

1. I can't believe I've lost another baby.. Even when I'm still feeling so horribly sick
2. This poor man.. He has to tell me that my baby isn't alive.. For what a fun, exciting job this can be, this part has to be terrible..

He, of course, was amazingly sweet, and really took the time to "show me around" and to scratch his head..

Another amazing part, is he showed me parts of the baby that indicate that it had literally died within the last few hours.. Even so far as to say that when I woke up that morning it was probably still alive.. That is hard to believe.. I can honestly say that I'm glad it happened this way.. I know what's coming..

So, here I am today, waiting to miscarry..

Still feeling annoyingly nauseated..

Still with a brain-splitting headache..

And now, nothing to show for it..

Ironically, I'm really pretty okay.. I've gotten good at not getting my hopes up too high..

Oh, and did I say that Davy is in Alabama? He's feeling pretty terrible that he's not here..

I can say, I'm so so glad we decided to keep this a secret, especially from the little girls.. So don't say anything to them if you see them.. Thanks!

Thanks for listening/reading..

*this should explain my lack of blogging*